It took me this long to be able to put these feelings on paper, but here goes and I hope it helps someone to let go...
When we said goodbye, it was as if my clothes had been ripped off from my body, like a bandage had been ripped off my bleeding heart, I felt like my nakedness was being exposed to the world...and all I could do was stand there and let the stares of passers-by amputate me.
For weeks, all I could do was cry. I contently let the tears flow, I held my knees against my chest as I lay on the floor, I allowed myself to wallow in heartache...I cried like a child!!!
I gave up on my studies, I forgot to eat and all I wanted was to be alone.
It hurt to know that all the time spent, the fights we had and the effort we put to make things work was all in vain. It hurt to think of how much of me I had given in our relationship, of the fact that I could not give any longer.
What hurt even more was knowing that there was nothing either of us could do to fix things, that our time was truly up.
But its true that time heals, although only partially...because as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months I found that I cried less and less, that I managed to fit more smiles into my daily routine...but this would only be temporary because all I needed was to see him, or to hear about him to go back to lying on the floor in tears again...
But this is all in the past now...nowadays laughter is my companion and most of my tears are brought on by joy...
Today, I can safely say: I have let him go!!!
When you lose something or someone, its not easy to move on because it is even harder to let go.
The thing about letting go is you have to go through the whole process so you can heal fully and completely.
My process was painful, and it was long and it went something like:
1. Being angry at him and blaming him for everything that was going wrong (2 months)
2. Crying because I am angry at him(1 month)
3. Accepting that no one is to blame, that our time is just up and "the break-up", and tears and tears and tears!!! (2 months)
4. Telling myself that I'm over him and am ready to move on, then going back to square one because I'm really not ready to move on and starting all over again (3 months)
5. Letting go...
After you go through the process you get to a point of letting go, which in itself is a process.
At the letting go point I realised that he was meant to be in my life for a certain season of my life only, and that the season was over and I needed to let him go in peace. I also realised that my time in his life was also up and there would be no use fighting for something that had expired, so to speak.
I also realised that all the effort we had both put into our relationship had not been in vain, as we had both grown from the experience and as he had influenced my life in a lot of positive ways.
Furthermore, I learned that although I had given a lot in our relationship, he had also given equally much or more and I could never get what I have given back instead I had been giving the capacity - by God - to love more and to give myself more in my next relationship!!! That although I felt I could not give any longer, because of the experience, I was in a position to give even more!!!
When we said goodbye, it was as if my clothes had been ripped off from my body, like a bandage had been ripped off my bleeding heart, I felt like my nakedness was being exposed to the world...and all I could do was stand there and let the stares of passers-by amputate me.
For weeks, all I could do was cry. I contently let the tears flow, I held my knees against my chest as I lay on the floor, I allowed myself to wallow in heartache...I cried like a child!!!
I gave up on my studies, I forgot to eat and all I wanted was to be alone.
It hurt to know that all the time spent, the fights we had and the effort we put to make things work was all in vain. It hurt to think of how much of me I had given in our relationship, of the fact that I could not give any longer.
What hurt even more was knowing that there was nothing either of us could do to fix things, that our time was truly up.
But its true that time heals, although only partially...because as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months I found that I cried less and less, that I managed to fit more smiles into my daily routine...but this would only be temporary because all I needed was to see him, or to hear about him to go back to lying on the floor in tears again...
But this is all in the past now...nowadays laughter is my companion and most of my tears are brought on by joy...
Today, I can safely say: I have let him go!!!
When you lose something or someone, its not easy to move on because it is even harder to let go.
The thing about letting go is you have to go through the whole process so you can heal fully and completely.
My process was painful, and it was long and it went something like:
1. Being angry at him and blaming him for everything that was going wrong (2 months)
2. Crying because I am angry at him(1 month)
3. Accepting that no one is to blame, that our time is just up and "the break-up", and tears and tears and tears!!! (2 months)
4. Telling myself that I'm over him and am ready to move on, then going back to square one because I'm really not ready to move on and starting all over again (3 months)
5. Letting go...
After you go through the process you get to a point of letting go, which in itself is a process.
At the letting go point I realised that he was meant to be in my life for a certain season of my life only, and that the season was over and I needed to let him go in peace. I also realised that my time in his life was also up and there would be no use fighting for something that had expired, so to speak.
I also realised that all the effort we had both put into our relationship had not been in vain, as we had both grown from the experience and as he had influenced my life in a lot of positive ways.
Furthermore, I learned that although I had given a lot in our relationship, he had also given equally much or more and I could never get what I have given back instead I had been giving the capacity - by God - to love more and to give myself more in my next relationship!!! That although I felt I could not give any longer, because of the experience, I was in a position to give even more!!!
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